Ever since I was about eight or nine, I’ve always had a desire for a mental disorder. Its less like a want and more like a need, I need one, so much so that I attempt to convince myself, and sometimes other people, that I have one. Ever heard of mind over matter? I try to use that to my advantage. I spend hours trying to find something, anything that I might have, its almost hurting.
This deep desire has caused me pain, I have to have one, if I don’t, I feel like Im gonna go insane. I’m obsessed, I feel like if I don’t have one then I need to at least tell myself I do. I tell myself I have depression from my suicidal thoughts and self-harming tendencies, as well as my tendency to hide all of my emotions and never act upon them ever. I also try to think that I’m a psychopath from my want to kill and see blood and death.
No, I didn’t grow up in a bad family and I’ve never been in a bad relationship.
When I was really young I used to want nothing more than power, power over everyone and everything. When something was in my way of that power, I was willing to hurt them in gruesome ways, I never did though, so that’s good I guess.
Needless to say, I’m a pretty messed up kid and I wanna know if something is wrong with me.Why Do I Want a Mental Disorder?
Thanks for having the courage to start talking about this. You are looking for an identity, but the way you are going about it is likely to make things more difficult. You’ve taken the first big step here by talking about it. It is time to talk about this with someone who can help you sort though these thoughts. I can only imagine it isn’t easy having them.
Because your profile says you are in middle school I would encourage you to talk to your mom or dad about going to talk to a counselor. If it is too difficult for you to talk to them show them this column and ask for them to help. I wouldn’t wait too long on this. Ask them to help you find someone to talk to sooner rather than later.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral