You stated that this is “not multiple personality”, but you should avoid self-diagnosis. The only way to know with certainty if you have DID, or any disorder, is to be evaluated, in-person, by a mental health professional.
You may be describing dissociative identity disorder (DID), formerly known as multiple personality disorder. What’s most concerning is your history of suicidal and “self-hurting actions.” Studies indicate that people who have tried to end their lives or to hurt themselves in the past have an increased likelihood of trying it again in the future. That’s concerning, especially in the context of the distress associated with your “four versions.” When you recognize that a problem may be present, it is best to consult an expert.
Relative to other types of mental health conditions, dissociative disorders are not well understood. In general, it is thought that some people disassociate in response to traumatic experiences. You mentioned having a history of trauma. It’s possible that these “versions” developed to buffer the trauma in your life, to protect you from experiencing psychological pain. In other words, it’s a defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms only last for so long. Trained professionals will know what to do and can guide you through the process of integrating the “versions.” Choose a therapist who has experience with dissociative disorders. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle