I am sorry that you’re having a difficult time. You believe that you are engaged in self-sabotaging behavior and I would agree. Something is causing you to purposefully jeopardize your job, your marriage and ultimately your life. Suicide is the ultimate act of self-destruction.
It seems clear that you are depressed. You may be engaging in acts of self-destruction because you are unsatisfied with your life. You may not like your job. You may not be happy in your marriage. Acts of self-destruction may be your passive way of showing your dissatisfaction with your life. It is important that you re-enter therapy to examine these possibilities. Therapy was helpful to you in the past and I wonder why you stopped. Perhaps you stopped because the therapy was working. In other words, therapy may have been pushing you to face difficult aspects of your life. Instead of facing a difficult reality perhaps you stopped because avoiding it was easier. Avoidance is not the right solution but temporarily it can provide relief.
If it were true that you were unhappy with your job and marriage it would have meant that major life changes would be required. It is understandable that one would want to avoid major life changes. Depression is usually a sign that changes are needed. On the other hand, there may not need to be many changes but it’s important to be prepared for all possibilities. Don’t be frightened of the truth.
As I mentioned above, I would strongly suggest re-entering therapy. I’m especially concerned that you almost ended your life. This is another reason why it is very important that you return to therapy. It could save your life.
You asked about how you can help your wife through this process. I’m not certain how much help you could be to your wife at this point. It may be difficult to provide support to another person when you are not fully well. You are currently taking medication and that’s great but as far as I can tell from the letter, you have not re-entered therapy. You should. For your wife, I would suggest that she enter therapy as well. It could help her to better understand your depression. It may also help her to assist you in your depression recovery. You may also want to consider marriage counseling in the future, in addition to one-on-one counseling. At this point, it may be better to focus on getting yourself well.
Thank you for writing. The fact that you wrote shows that you care about the outcome of your life and that is very encouraging. I wish you the best of luck.
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on March 7, 2010.