I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend says he isn’t a sexual person. He is 32 and only had sex before me twice when he was 18 and didn’t get off. At first when things would lead up to sexual he would get extremely nervous. Now he trusts me more and doesn’t feel as self-conscious so it’s easier to get things going where he used to stop me. He says he likes making me feel good. And he gets me to orgasm using his hand. We have intercourse but it doesn’t last very long. He gets hard but then when we start doing it he slowly loses his erection. He says he doesn’t mind that he doesn’t need it but I don’t know if I should just accept that and stop trying. Sometimes it makes me really discouraged that he doesn’t get to feel good. It’s not even just not getting off. When he’s in me I’ll ask him if it feels good and he always says a little which I think is just to spare my feelings. I don’t believe it feels bad. Oral doesn’t really do much for him either. I’ve tried to just do a nice sensual hand job but he said it wasn’t doing anything for him even though he got an erection he said he didn’t even realize his body was responding. Like there is a disconnect between the physical and his mind. He did get off one time when we were having sex and he liked it, of course. I think we might have not used a condom then and I’m going to look into better birth control so we don’t need condoms. But what else can I do. He’s said he might want to talk to a doctor but he’s really embarrassed. Also, he’s not that big and he does slide out a lot idk if that could contribute. He also is on antidepressants has anxiety and is afraid to get blood work done. We have a good time, I do believe achieve intimacy. He likes that I respond to him. He always tells me it makes him happy that he can make me feel like that. He loves kissing and cuddling. He doesn’t masturbate often and says when he does he does it because it’s been a while and you’re supposed to?
A. There are therapists who specialize in sexual problems. Often times, they only deal with sexual problems. They are good at what they do. I would be very surprised if your boyfriend’s problems would not be easily solved by the average sex therapist.
I am sure that it is blatantly obvious that the physical act of sex, for human beings, occurs within the context of the psychology of each particular person. Religious thoughts, past experiences, anxiety, fear, cultural expectations, misconceptions, and much more all play a part during the sexual act of an individual. In other words, sex is as much psychological as physical, in the human being.
For someone possessing relatively good physical health, almost all sexual problems will be due to a psychological cause. The psychological context of the sexual act, for a human, is a very fertile ground for the growth of sexual problems. His problem, is not at all unusual.
If you had no interest in sex, or very little, then his matching level of sexual interest would make for a good match and would not be problematic between you. The letter that you write suggests he is undersexed and does not suggest that it is you that is oversexed. Your letter clearly states that there is a difference in the level of sexual interest between the two of you.
There is an incompatibility, but your letter would suggest that it is your boyfriend who has the problem. I don’t believe that you are suggesting that you see a therapist so that your sex drive could be reduced.
What I am saying is that there is no inherent problem in your boyfriend’s sex drive. The problem is that his drive is lower than yours and thus the real problem is the incompatibility and not the level of sexual interest. If your sex drive matched his, there would be no problem.
Perhaps there is a psychological cause which is inhibiting your boyfriend. With therapy perhaps, the inhibiting factors could be removed and your boyfriend’s sexual interest would increase but what if the increase were so great that he would desire sex much more often than you, perhaps two or three times more often than you would be willing to accept.
Once again, we have an issue of incompatibility. The real problem here is exactly that, two individuals with differing sexual drives. Neither drive, is too high or too low. It is just that they are not equal and thus possess a level of incompatibility.
All of these issues can be discussed and investigated and perhaps resolved, in the process of ongoing sexual therapy. I wish you both the best of luck and hope that a resolution of your seeming sexual incompatibility can be found. Thanks for writing.
Dr. Kristina Randle