I love my dad but he scares me a lot. I feel like I’ve kind of brought a lot of the anger my dad has upon myself, but it’s still hard for me to stay at home any longer. When I get in trouble it’s for legitimate reasons (I smoke and drink and I often get caught), but he gets so angry that it terrifies me, and I honestly just want to drink more to forget that he’s there.
He screams and brings up unrelated past events (ex: he’ll bring up an outfit i wore a week ago and call me a prostitute for wearing it). He told me the other day that I’m not gonna have any friends because he’s gonna threaten to call the police if he see’s any with me, and they’ll be too scared to talk to me anymore (he said this because many of my very good friends smoke weed). I understand that he wants me to be safe, and have a good life, but he throws stuff and yells at me and threatens to shoot or call the cops on my friends. It doesn’t make me want to stop smoking and get my grades up, it just makes me want to run away and do it even more.
Before I smoked or drank he’d yell at me and sometimes hit me (he doesn’t hit me anymore), for my grades or for hurting myself, which is sort of why I started drinking and smoking nowadays. He’d get angry at me for having emotional issues and blame me or the shows I watch or something that I do, rather than my childhood problems. I’ve had several therapists, but they only last for a few sessions because we can’t afford it, our insurance doesn’t cover it so it’s like $200 a session.
Hes taken my door to my room now, he’s bugged my phone and is always watching me. I can’t go outside the house anymore unless it’s with them or for school, and he’s made me quit my job. He’s cutting contact between me and all of my friends, one of them being a friend I’ve had for a very long time who has no one else besides me and is actually on suicide watch right now. I feel like I live in a prison, in which he bullies me and constantly mocks everything I do.