You wrote that your urge is different and I’m wondering what you meant. Different than what? It’s difficult to know what you meant without more information.
I’m not certain that your fantasy is much different than the many inquiries I receive about this topic. It seems true that some people fantasize about homicide. Younger people in particular seem to be prone to these fantasies. It’s not clear why and the reasons may be different for everyone. Some people might lack power in their lives and fantasize about what it would be like to have more control over others. I would need more information about your personal life circumstances to know why you fantasize about murder.
Fantasies are not actions. They allow one to imagine what it would be like to do something that they would probably never do. If you were to kill, you would be punished harshly. Many states have the death penalty. Effectively that means that if you take someone else’s life, you will eventually be put to death. In non-death penalty states, you would live in a prison cell no bigger than a parking space which many people consider worse than the death penalty. Many death row inmates live in solitary confinement settings where they are cut off from the world and have little to no human interaction. Solitary confinement causes severe psychological suffering and lasting damage. Even a few days in solitary confinement is mental torture.
I know you are reluctant to do so but you should try counseling. It will help you to understand why you have these fantasies and what is motivating them. These types of problems are easily corrected. A therapist will know how to help you and will not be shocked to hear about your fantasy. You will not be sent to a mental hospital for having a fantasy. People are only hospitalized when they have specific actionable and imminent plans to carry out violence. As a first step, try speaking with the school guidance counselor and you will be on your way. Thank you for your question. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle