Anger. It is common to hear people say “I was mad enough to kill.” And some people do kill in a fit of anger, but most people are simply describing how angry they were. They were never actually on the verge of killing someone, but they were very angry. You don’t describe that which you did or the nature of the resultant encounter with your parents.
You do say that at first you felt suicidal and then later homicidal. The suicidal feelings are likely an expression of self-blame. “I was wrong, I was bad, I don’t deserve to live. The world would be better off without someone like me in it.” These emotional words or feelings don’t actually express a suicidal tendency but instead express great emotional self-blame. They are not likely said or felt literally. Think of them as an expression of conscience.
Perhaps after blaming yourself for what went wrong or blaming yourself for having disappointed your parents, you then felt that your parents had gone too far in their reaction. Their words or actions may have, at some point, made you feel that you were then being abused. In other words, they were guilty of abusing you in their overreaction to your wrongdoing.
Any suicidal or homicidal thoughts should subside as things return to normal in your relationship with your parents. Persistent thoughts or feelings would be indicative of an ongoing problem.
If everything returns to normal and your emotions also returned to normal and there are no more homicidal or suicidal thoughts, then all should be well. If your feelings and thoughts do not return to normal, then you should consult a therapist or counselor to discuss this event and your suicidal-homicidal ideation, more fully. I hope I have been of assistance. Thanks for writing.
Dr. Kristina Randle