From France: My Ex and I were getting on well, now suddenly she has told our children that she doesn’t want to see or speak to me. Three weeks ago my ex and I were meeting regularly at her apt to help with the children, we were friendly to each other and were getting on well, to the point that my children asked if we were getting back together, even though she has recently moved on.
Although she would tell me that it was over, her body language would contradict this and she has told me that she feels sad when I leave her apt to go home and that I should be there. When we talked about our past relationship, she would get upset and cry and feel physical pain when talking about her deep feelings but she tells that she loves me but has pushed her feelings deep down inside her.
I went away for a few days, the children informed her of this and she called me quite upset to ask why I hadn’t told her and why I was being so secretive? She then sent me a text to tell me that our plans for Christmas were cancelled and that I could have the children on Christmas day.
When I got back from my trip, my children told me that my Ex does not want to see me or speak to me and that I wasn’t allowed near their apt.
Christmas day arrived and I took the children for dinner. They told me that my Ex was making a christmas dinner for herself. It seems strange that my Ex is telling me that its over and therefore indifferent, but didn’t want to spend Christmas dinner with her children.
My gut feeling is that she’s suffering from concealed depression as she thinks that her opinion is the only one that matters and becomes very irate very quickly and rants at the children. she has also told me that when she’s alone, she feels empty and unhappy. She also overworks herself and my guess is because she is trying not to think about things.
It just seems strange to me that she is becoming emotional and is putting effort into avoiding me, if she was over me then she would feel indifferent and wouldn’t care.
We now don’t speak or see each other and the children have said numerous times that she wants nothing to do with me.
I’m confused as there still seems to be emotions involved.
Can you please explain why?
A: I wish I could explain your ex’s behavior for you. I can’t. I can only guess that she hasn’t “moved on” as much as she would like to think she has.
You are confused because she is acting in a confusing way. It might be more helpful for you personally to let her know you are concerned about her and wish things were different and leave it at that. Then take a step back and let her take the lead for now about when and how often you see each other.
Meanwhile — What concerns me the most is that the children are being asked to carry messages. This puts them in an awkward and painful position. They are loyal to you both. They had hopes you would get back together. It’s unfair of their mom to put them in the middle this way and could it may cause them great distress. For that reason, I do suggest that you contact your ex in some way to just remind her that your relationship with your kids is separate from your relationship with her and to please talk, text or email you directly instead of talking to the kids about her feelings about you.
I realize I’m getting this letter weeks after Christmas. I hope things have settled down some by now.
I wish you well.