I’m not certain of your exact question so my response will be general. You seem unhappy. You have suicidal thoughts. Wanting to die is not normal. You drink excessively and could have died from alcohol poisoning. Drinking seems to be your way of coping with unpleasant emotions and life problems.
Many people believe that partying in college is “normal.” It is for some but not for most. Some of those that drink have faced serious, life-altering consequences as a result. Anecdotally, correlated with drinking and partying, stories abound about sexual assaults, rapes, being drugged, and the like. Every year, a number of students die from an overconsumption of drugs or alcohol. For those who choose to participate in the party lifestyle, it is rare to make it out unscathed. Once you find alcohol to be an effective drug for stress relief or as a mood enhancer, it is difficult to control and most often leads to an addiction.
If you have the power to stop drinking, then do it. If you don’t have that power, then by definition you are addicted and you must get professional help.
If you can stop, join a club on campus. Also, there are volunteer opportunities at local organizations. You could job shadow someone in the field in which you want to work. These types of activities would be meaningful and could help your emotional well being and reduce or eliminate your desire for alcohol. They would also move you closer towards your ultimate goal of getting a job after graduation.
Another important consideration is that alcohol is a nervous system depressant. If you’re drinking because of depression, alcohol only makes it worse. It’s common for people who are depressed to drink. It’s an easy way to forget about one’s problems, but only temporarily.
The solution to this problem is counseling. There you can explore what might be wrong and what is motivating your drinking or desire to die. You can also learn more appropriate and healthier coping skills.
One final observation. You might be minimizing these problems. That might be why you sometimes judge your symptoms as fake. There is nothing “fake” about suicidal ideation or being taken to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning. You could have died. That’s evidence of the seriousness of this issue and it should not be taken lightly. A good therapist will assist you in correcting these issues. The college counseling center might be a good place to start. For longer-term counseling, the counseling center staff can refer you to a local therapist. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle