Everyone is affected by their environment. There is no escaping that which has happened to us in the past. In your past, if you had been raised by nurturing, loving parents, it would have left a lasting impact upon you. In your past, you were raised by neglectful, cruel, abusive parents and it has left a lasting impact upon you.
Abuse causes damage. How much and what type depends upon the individual and the abuse they have endured. Abuse causes damage; damage can be repaired. Surely, you must recognize that your parents were severely abusive. Their abuse has caused damage. You must decide, whether you live with that damage or choose to repair it. Yes, it can be repaired and no, you do not need to live with it. It is your choice. Repair the damage or experience the effects of that damage throughout your life.
You were weaker than your parents and they used their greater strength to hurt you. You were too weak to stop them. You abused and killed animals. They were too weak to stop you. You had the power and demonstrated that power over weak and helpless animals. Your power was far too weak to stop your parents from abusing you. Stopping their abuse meant gaining more power. You fantasized then and now, at times, about having more power, power to exert your will over another despite their best efforts to stop you. It is normal to fantasize about things that we desire but do not have. Many people fantasize about being rich. Their fantasies are deep and complex. They contemplate the merits of various cities to choose the various locations for their vacation homes. They weigh the merits of various friends and family members and whether or not to make some rich. They imagine the reactions of each person as they hand them a check for a life-changing amount of money. Not just once but many times, weighing and contemplating each possible outcome. In reality the fantasizer is not rich, not likely to ever be so and is very likely to be experiencing a lack of wealth or to be in financial difficulty. They fantasize about what they don’t have.
You fantasize about having incredible power. It is very likely that you feel you do not possess the adequate power necessary to thrive in life. Thus, you fantasize about having things you do not currently believe that you possess.
Working with a good therapist can change all of that. All of the damage done to you as a child can be reversed. Believe it or not, all aspects of your life could improve and many, dramatically. Don’t let the damage done to you by your parents, degrade today and tomorrow. They stole your childhood. Don’t let them cheat you out of tomorrow.
It’s your choice. They chose the past. You can choose the future. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle