From the U.K.: I don’t know if I love my husband anymore. I feel like I’m just here for the kids. Married 11 years, 4 children. We don’t talk anymore proper just about day to day things. No kissing or hugging. Hardly any sex. Only if I have to. Don’t really want him near. Big problem is I am from another country in Europe and want to move back but he doesn’t seem to even that he always says he does. And now with the Brexit another strain on the marriage.

Beginning of December I was in my home country alone at my friends house and cheated on my husband with my friends brother in law. I fancied him since my friend got married in September. We were maid of honour and best man. He wanted to kiss me back in September when we danced. I had a lot of butterflies when he came closer but turned my head away coz my mum and sister were there as well.

So i actually planned to do something when I was at my friends. I needed to feel like a woman again not just housewife. The thing is even that I know it was wrong I don’t feel any guilt. I actually enjoyed it. I don’t miss my husband when he goes to work or when I’m in visiting family.

He is a great guy, very good father and helps out in the household. I should be happy but I am not. I know it’s not just his fault.
I still love him in a friend kind of way just not romantic anymore.

I know I sound immature and selfish. And I can’t really talk to him about it. Not yet. Some days I am determined to tell him that I am leaving other days I think should I really do it. What would other people think especially family? What happens to the kids? The 3 older ones are very much daddy’s kids. Just baby is more focused on me. Plus oldest one got autism.

But should I stay only to keep kids happy and I get more and more depressed? I don’t know what to do anymore.

A: You are asking very good questions. You owe it to yourself, your husband (who you describe as a “great guy”) and your kids to slow way down. The affair let you pretend for a moment that you aren’t a mom of 4 with all that involves. But if you leave your marriage, you will still be a mom and you will then have to deal with 4 kids on your own, at least part of the time, and you’ll be mothering at least 3 of them who won’t understand why you would leave their great dad.

I strongly urge you to make an appointment with a therapist to help you sort this all out before you do something you will regret. It could be that your marriage has been drowned in taking care of 4 children, including 1 with special needs. It could be you have an unrealistic expectation of marriage after 11 years. It could be that the issue isn’t who you are with, but how you are with him. A therapist will help you figure out if the problem is in the relationship or in the way you and your husband have divided routines and tasks. There are other ways to get a break and reorganize your marriage without the shake up and emotional turmoil of a separation.

You might find this article helpful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie