From a teen in the U.S.: I recently have been struggling mentally. I cant see a therapist because my family would be mean about it and we’re not close.
I thought i was BPD because i have a deep fear of being alone and i relate with a lot of the symptoms like seeing things in black and white, and i overshare and instantly regret it. I get really close with people, feel they don’t like me, and then split. I put a knife on my palm once to see if i would do it but i was afraid to press down harder(probably a good thing).
I lie a lot and for no reason. Sometimes its just fun and sometimes its to see if i can get away with it. The lies never come back to bite me and i always get away with them. My friends know I’m good at lying but I’ve convinced them that i hate lying which i do but i cant stop. I like to read people and try to guess what they’re thinking. I’m always cold and i go through periods of time where i overeat(most) and then periods where i don’t eat at all (after i overeat). I try make people pity me for things that didn’t happen but i hate it when people pity me for things that actually happened.
Ive had several panic attacks before where it felt like i was actually gonna puke and i had to walk out of the room and convince myself that i wasn’t actually going to. I have a fear of puking and i don’t know why but it makes those terrifying. I do have periods of time where i am happy or sad for no reason but they change very quickly.I don’t have a strong self image. I’m not suicidal because i know and hope it will all get better eventually. I binge shows and books(can watch a season a day). I have a lot of anxiety when going places (am i wearing the right thing, what if no one shows up. I have paranoia(best-friend trying to poison me which now seems insane). I don’t know if I’m trying to fit in with BPD. Everytime i think about this I try to fit the diagnosis and convince my self of it and start acting that way worse but now aware.
I want to get better.Do I Have Borderline Personality Disorder?
I’m sorry you are struggling. I understand that you are worried about yourself. The reason you are having difficulty identifying whether you have BPD is that it’s unclear that you fit the clinical criteria. Although it might be in some way comforting to decide on a diagnosis, you will still be left with your problems.
It is far more important for you to get some support and practical help than it is for you to get a label. You started by saying you can’t see a therapist because your family would be “mean”. I have to ask you: So what? Why do you care what people think if seeing a therapist will help you develop a stronger self-image and will provide a place for you to sort out what is going on with you and how to fix it?
I strongly urge you to talk to your school counselor or your medical doctor about how to find a therapist who specializes in teen issues. It’s likely that your health insurance will pay for some or all of it. If you don’t have health insurance, there may be a clinic or private therapists in your area who offer free or low cost therapy.
Writing to us was an important first step in taking care of yourself. I hope you will dig down inside and find the strength to take the next step to get the support and help you need and deserve.
I wish you well.