I’m sorry you are struggling. I understand that you are worried about yourself. The reason you are having difficulty identifying whether you have BPD is that it’s unclear that you fit the clinical criteria. Although it might be in some way comforting to decide on a diagnosis, you will still be left with your problems.
It is far more important for you to get some support and practical help than it is for you to get a label. You started by saying you can’t see a therapist because your family would be “mean”. I have to ask you: So what? Why do you care what people think if seeing a therapist will help you develop a stronger self-image and will provide a place for you to sort out what is going on with you and how to fix it?
I strongly urge you to talk to your school counselor or your medical doctor about how to find a therapist who specializes in teen issues. It’s likely that your health insurance will pay for some or all of it. If you don’t have health insurance, there may be a clinic or private therapists in your area who offer free or low cost therapy.
Writing to us was an important first step in taking care of yourself. I hope you will dig down inside and find the strength to take the next step to get the support and help you need and deserve.
I wish you well.