I have been with my boyfriend for a over a year now. He had always gone above and beyond for me. We do have an age difference where he is 4 years younger than me. But he has always been very mature and well-spoken for someone his age. Recently we have been experiencing a lot of downfalls in our relationship. He has a very busy schedule and doesn’t make a lot of time for me. We are also long distance, he lives across the country. I’ve been asking for some time to video chat and discuss over some of our issues and he agrees that we should do that as well, but he has not prioritized time for me. I’m feeling very insecure in our relationship because lately when we fight, he doesn’t seem to care. One minute he is expressing how important I am to him and that he loves me. And then the next, he is getting defensive and said that I’m not being considerate and understanding. During our 6th month together, we had a big fight which led to me breaking up with him because I was frustrated with him. He ended up getting drunk that night and told me he kissed one of his female friends. It took me awhile to forgive him and to move past it, but I feel like the feeling of betrayal never really left. He told me he would never do something like that to me again and that it was something stupid that he regrets so much. But I feel like anytime he gets upset with me or we have an argument and he goes out with his friends, I fear he would hurt me again. I don’t know what to do. He isn’t giving me much to work with because I can’t seem to be able to get him to sit down long enough to talk. If he isn’t going to class or studying, he’s working. And that’s almost 7 days out of his schedule packed. What do I do? I love him so much and I want to work past this, but I just feel so defeated. (From Canada)
I think the answer to your question is embedded in your email. In the year you’ve been together you’ve had a great deal of distance between the two of you, he’s done something that makes you feel betrayed, he doesn’t prioritize you, doesn’t care much when you fight and isn’t interested in making time for you. Add to this the fact that you’ve already broken up with him because of your frustration and we are left with not much of a relationship.
In these instances you may be drawn more to his potential than the reality of who and what he is to you. As difficult as it might seem to accept there isn’t much here to move forward with. It is time to move on.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Trust and Security in a Relationship. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 25, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/02/07/trust-and-security-in-a-relationship/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.