Thank you for writing. I do sympathize with your pain but I, frankly, doubt that you are always right about people. The fact that you have a job and that there are people who still are willing to hang out with you suggests there is more to you than you think.
You say this has been going on for about 10 years. That’s too, too long. You are adding pain about your pain to the original pain. You deserve to get to the bottom of what goes on with you that you feel so detached yet angry. You need to do something different if you are to feel better.
The first stop should be with a medical doctor. It’s just possible that there is an undiagnosed medical issue like a vitamin or mineral deficiency or a thyroid disorder contributing to your problems.
If you are physically okay, then you really do need to see a therapist for a thorough evaluation. I don’t think you are paranoid. I do think you are scared. But until you see a mental health counselor, you won’t have any new information to go on and you won’t get treatment and relief.
All you have to lose is an hour or so of your time. Why not talk to someone who can offer you some answers?
I wish you well.