I’m sorry this is happening to you. The good news is that there are treatments for your symptoms. The key to seeking help is to make the people in your life aware that something is wrong. It’s not clear from your letter that you have told your parents what’s wrong or that you have asked them to assist you in seeking help.
If you don’t think you can go to your family then contact a trusted school faculty member or guidance counselor. They will immediately begin to determine what type of help you need and assist you in getting it. Once you begin treatment, your symptoms will begin to diminish and have less control over your life. With enough treatment, they can be effectively erased. I hope that you will take the next steps and ask for help.
I’m especially concerned because you are contemplating suicide. All of the problems that you have written about are treatable with counseling and medication. When people consider suicide, it’s usually because they are suffering and don’t know how else to make their pain stop. Treatment is the solution. It will help you to experience joy instead of sadness, pleasure instead of pain. If you are considering suicide, contact emergency services and they will protect you. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle