Thank you for writing. It is not at all unusual for a survivor of abuse to develop an approach to conflict that is marked by two extremes. They never want to be a victim again and develop the unconscious belief that the only way to avoid it is to be a “victimizer”, the person who has the power to hurt someone else. Often a survivor goes back and forth between the two: Victim and controlling victimizer. The challenge is to learn a third alternative: How to take care of yourself without becoming the kind of person who hurts others in an effort to ever be victimized again.
You should not be accepting abuse. But that doesn’t mean that you need “revenge”. You need to learn ways to effectively stop an abuser without becoming one (whether in fantasy or in reality). Therapy can help you with that. I hope you will take care of yourself and make an appointment with a therapist who specializes is trauma.
I wish you well.