After i broke up with a girl i was anxious and depressed and still in love. I was part of a healing group and had one to one healing where i told him everything about my love, fears, hopes. it was helping so i invited the girl along so he could help her. He started to divulge things to her i had said in confidence and pay her lots of attention. i had to stop going for a while but then asked him if he was seeing her. he said he was human but also he wouldnt do that. i couldnt ask her because she was always asking me to let go. five agonising months later, not knowing fully, she told me she was pursued by him and she eventually gave in. She got dumped after a week and he started seeing someone else from the group and i believe they are still together and happy, which is great. My ex was vulnerable, afterall it was a healing group. Apparantely, everything i told him about her on our healing sessions made him want her for himself. he took her away on a shaman retreat and one thing led to another. when he stopped it after the weekend he said she had too many issues for him. she never wanted him, she just went along with it but now knows she was duped and i feel so angry and hateful. Had they gone on and had a relationship i would stand back and be happy but we both feel so much worse and the lessons are vague. i told him my worst fear and he made it come true. he said he just reflected my fear in his action which is just the sort of garbage i would expect from him now i know his ego and intentions took over. if i thought he was a predator i would write something on his healing forum but i would have to back up my story which means going public with our names. he offends my sense of decency and has caused me so much emotional distress. i know i have to forgive him for my sake but there is acceptance and there is acquiescence, which means i will accept it but need to protest. do i let it go or dig it all up?
A. You have no problem recognizing the guilt of your meditation teacher/healer. In essence, you are saying that he knew that you would be sensitive to his dating your ex. That’s true, but surely you must recognize that no one in this world knew more or better that you would be hurt by your ex dating your teacher than your ex. Yet, she dated him anyway. Who should you be more upset with?
It may well be, that you are still romantically interested in your ex girlfriend and as such you are hesitant to blame her for her wrongdoings. You are hurt because she chose to date your teacher. It is simply easier to say to yourself and to believe, “It’s not her fault.”
Some would say that it is no one’s fault. She is your ex and from your description has made it clear that she wants you to let go and, as your ex, she is free to date absolutely anyone of any gender in the entirety of the world. Perhaps, she deliberately chose to date your teacher to clearly show you that she is no longer interested in you.
When someone breaks up with you, they are sending you the following message. “There are millions of people in this world that are possibilities, but of those many millions you are not one of them. I know you and I don’t want you. There are millions of people that are possibilities for me, but not you. You are out. You are off the list. There are millions of people in this world that are possibilities. There are millions of people who I might date. There are millions of people who are still on the possibility list, but you and a handful of others are permanently banished from that list. You have made it to a new list, those that I do not want.”
It is painful when you lose someone whom you love. It doesn’t matter how the loss has occurred. Breakup or death, both are painful ends. The pain that you will feel, will certainly last for years. The good news is that slightly each day the pain lessens. The process is so slow that you don’t notice it day-by-day, or even week-to-week but you will certainly notice it year-by-year. If you date enough people sooner or later you will experience the pain of losing someone whom you love. If you live long enough, you will experience the pain of losing two grandmothers, two grandfathers, one mother and one father. Don’t feel bad for yourself because that’s true for every living person and every person who has ever lived.
Pain is a part of life, then again so is happiness and joy. If you are experiencing pain from a bad breakup, then counseling is a very good idea. You may need someone to guide you through this process but that someone is not a meditation — healer. It is a qualified professional. I can guarantee you one thing, no qualified professional will sleep with your ex girlfriend.
Parting words: end your relationship with your ex. End it — cold turkey. No friends. When the day comes that you no longer care about her, that’s the day when you can once again become “friends.” I’ve experienced your pain and I have gone on to both survive and flourish. Expect the pain. Expect it to lessen and then one day it will be completely gone. The best cure and quickest? Find somebody else to love. You may not be ready to hear this, but do you really believe that she was the nicest, the kindest, the most attractive, the best suited for you? I hope not. The world is filled with possibilities for you and some much better than her.
There are women reading this right now, who would never, under any circumstances, hurt you by dating your teacher or friend. They are just better than that. Also forget the idea that it wasn’t her fault “because she was vulnerable.” You either are competent or incompetent. If you are declared incompetent then you cannot make decisions and the power of attorney will be given to someone else. You are not competent to make decisions about what to buy, where to work and who to sleep with. But if you are not incompetent then it is implicitly understood that you are responsible for your actions. She is responsible for having slept with her ex-boyfriend’s teacher.
I hope you can find the wisdom in my words. I know it’s not easy when you’re in pain. I hope that someday you’ll come to believe that I was right. Good luck, now and in the future.
Dr. Kristina Randle