I know that this sounds really weird but I’ve always had this feeling that something like this has happened to me and lately I’ve been thinking back to when I was younger and I’ve notice so many signs. I have barely any memories before the age of 6 it’s like those years are completely blank except for bits and pieces. Most people are able to remember more things at a much younger age than I’m able to. I remember I started masturbating very very young and I would do it at inappropriate times because I didn’t know what it was, but somehow I knew how to do it. It makes me sick to write this because of how messed up it is, but sometimes I would try to get other people to do ‘things’ with me because somehow I thought it was just a normal thing, like a game. I know now that it wasn’t normal at all but I thought it was natural then, I don’t even remember how I knew about those things. I also have this random vivid memory of seeing blood in my underwear and my private area hurting badly. It was way before I started my period, I was no older than 5. I had a lot of accidents as a kid and wet the bed often. I also was terrified to sleep on my own. My mom would have to sit with me until I feel asleep and if I woke up in the middle of the night I would call for her until she came back and sat with me until I fell asleep again. I’m currently 16 and still can not sleep in the dark on my own. When I’m having a sleepover and there’s other people in the room I’m okay, but being in a room alone with the lights off terrifies me. I’m also very uncomfortable with anyone seeing my body naked, most people my age have some sort of sexual experience but I have none because the idea of someone seeing my body makes me mortified. I developed anorexia (which I’m now recovered from for the most part) and have depression, and anxiety (which I still struggle with). I’ve also experienced dissociation, and I fantasize a lot, about just living as someone else or having a different life, more so than an average daydream. More to the point where I feel as though I’m living it. As long as I can remember saying no to anything is uncomfortable and difficult for me to do. But I have no specific memories of anything happening to me and I feel like if something like this we’re to have happened I would remember it. But then I also wonder, it can’t be normal to have such a gut feeling that this has happened, these things must mean something but I discredit it because it just seems unreasonable to believe something happened when I have no memory of it.