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My Girlfriend Has Very Concerning Fetishes

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My girlfriend has revealed she is very kinky in the bedroom. She likes to be dominated, pushed around and “forced”; and has explicitly asked me to “bully” her generally as thats a turn on. She is apparently into everything regarding 50 shades of grey and enjoys being choked, slapped etc. The thing that i dont understand is why shes asking me to be a bully to her. I am a nice person, and she now asks me to say horrible things about her, especially in public places as thats a turn on. This has worried me as it doesn’t seem very mentally sound. We are only 18 so, this sort of fetish at this young age only continues my worry. I know she has a poor relationship with her father – broken marriage and she feels he doesn’t want to see her. I know those sort of things can be the cause for many sexual problems in females. What do you think? She also has a history of self harming. (From Scotland)

My Girlfriend Has Very Concerning Fetishes

Answered by on -


  The key is to notice how you feel. Regardless of the sexual request the main issue is that this isn’t you. Just because it is something she likes doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it, too. Talk to her about it, try to negotiate what is something you would be willing to do, instead of something that makes you feel bad about yourself. This has to work both ways, otherwise YOU are the one being forced.

There is a delicate balance between dominant and submissive behavior between sexual partners. You may want to read more about this. If you look at the words to describe what she wants — dominated, pushed around, forced, and bullied, these are EXACTLY the feelings you are having. This is known as “controlling from the bottom” or “top from the bottom” in the world of dominance and submission. Top and bottom are not physical positions, but rather positions of power. You may want to read up on this through the various sites on the internet to learn more about what you are dealing with — and what will and won’t work for you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My Girlfriend Has Very Concerning Fetishes

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Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). My Girlfriend Has Very Concerning Fetishes. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 1, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 1 Jan 2018)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.