About 3 years ago it all started with a full blown panic attack ! At the first time i didn’t know what was happening to me so I drove to the emergency room. They told me that I was ok and it was due to stress.It was hard for me to believe it. I’m a mom of two beautiful little children (2 and 4) and yes I causes stress sometimes but I just could not believe that stress can cause something like that. In a short time I experienced everything from depersonalisation to derealization and even more. At first I thought I might have a brain tumour, or a stroke and I feard that I might have something with the heart. When the docs told me that I was ok, I believed them and my fears went away. But not the dp. This feelings made me think that I could be a danger for my kids and that I could harm them because it felt like I will lose touch with reality. I did a lot of Google research what was probably the worst thing I could do ! My intense fear of becoming schizophrenic was born!
I started to experience hypnagogic hallucinations what made me believe even harder that I will develop psychosis. Then I started to make commanding voices up in my mind just to prove that this are just my thoughts and not voices and just to prove that I won’t act on them (my) voices. It was and still is the hell for me being around my lovely kids because I am so scared that I will out of the blue go crazy and doing something terrible to them.
I read about delusions and I started to obsess about them ! Do I think that people around me are plotting against me? What if I would truly believe that? Yesterday the thought that my husband could try to kill or poising me cause I am a pain in the *** for him just pops in my head and I just began to cry my soul out cause I don’t want to think stuff like that and I definitely don’t want to believe it. But what if I already do? I mean why would I think about it .And although I know my husband would never do it , You can never be 100% sure. So am I delusional now??? Or is it just because I read so much about schizophrenia that my anyxous/ocd mind feets me with that fear ?
I went to a few therapeuts and they told me that I am not schizophrenic but I just can’t believe it! (From England)