I am concerned about several issues in this relationship. First, you did not seem to have any indication that he was using drugs. Apparently, he must have been using a substantial quanity of drugs for a significant period of time. How do I know this? For two reasons: He is at the point of detoxing, and you typically do not detox after using just a little bit of cocaine and secondly, he has “pissed away everything [he] own [s] or [is] worth on cocaine.” While, I admittedly do not know the extent of his use, (nor do you it sounds like), or just how severe his drug problem really is, I can say that based on a few items from his letter, his drug problem is significant. This is especially evident when you add in the fact that his drug habits have caused him to blow his life savings on drugs.
My second concern about this relationship is that you are willing to stay with him and stick it out and you are willing to do this without really knowing the facts about him. If you did not know he was using drugs, there may be other aspects of his life that you do not know about him. You did not know he was using cocaine and now you find out that he has been using and has managed to spend his life savings on cocaine, yet this does not seem to bother you. Why not? This should scare you. That is, why would this man be acceptable for you? You mentioned that you have only known this man for a short time. In that short period of time, he has blown you off, revealed that he has a significant drug problem and no money to his name. So in essence, he is a drug addict with zero money and a known liar and these facts all emerged in the short amount of time that you have known him. These are red flags that indicate that this guy might not be the best choice for you. It is likely that he was high many of the times you were together.
I am not denying that he is not a nice guy. He probably has a lot of good qualities. You should not be willing to accept these men into your life. Why not seek a mate who is not using drugs or sending all his money to support a drug habit? There are plenty of men out there not using drugs. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, “people always show you early on who they are and if you don’t hear it it is because you are just not listening.” What this means for you is that he is showing you his true colors right now, early on. He may not always have a drug problem, people do recover but as you mentioned, the relapse rate for many substance abusers is extremely high. Do not assume he’ll go through detox and everything will just been fine. This is usually not the case.
Only you can decide if you want to stay with him. Perhaps you should consider a narcotics anonymous meeting for the family or friends of those using drugs. Going to one of these meetings might help you decide whether or not you should stick it out with your boyfriend. The odds are, unfortunately, that he will relapse. He has lied to you, hid away a very series drug habit and lost of all his money. He is really not in a position to have a healthy relationship at this point in his life and frankly, I am not sure why you would consider this person to be a potential mate for you, especially since you barely know him. I hope I have helped elucidate some of these issues for you. Good luck.
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on November 27, 2006.