You’re not alone in struggling to “decode” what’s wrong. I understand your frustration but you are not equipped to diagnose your own psychological problems. Humans are not born with an ability to understand psychological problems. That knowledge has to be learned, yet people often scold themselves when they are unable to solve their own problems. The layperson cannot diagnose mental illnesses because they have no training in this area. Mental health professionals undergo years of rigorous training and study to learn about psychological problems and how to treat them.
If you are willing and open to it, you should consult a mental health professional. That would be the most advantageous and expeditious course of action. They would know what’s wrong and most importantly how to fix it.
It’s worrisome that you would consider leaping off a bridge. Couple that with your negative thinking and it suggests that you might have depression. At minimum, it suggests that you are suffering with distressing thoughts. It is important that you know that there are treatments designed to address these very types of distressing thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a particularly effective treatment for negative thoughts. You don’t have to deal with these problems on your own. Therapy could be immensely helpful. I hope that you will consider it.
People who attempt suicide often do so impulsively. You don’t want to put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation when you are at your most vulnerable. Stay away from dangerous situations and areas, such as the bridge you mentioned. If you cannot protect yourself from harm, then it’s imperative to seek emergency assistance. Go to the hospital or call emergency services. They will know how to protect you. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle