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Lesbian partner isn’t interested in sex

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I’m in a long term relationship, over 10 years, with my partner. We are a lesbian couple. From the begining of our relationship she has been telling me that she would be a bad partner. I always refused this. She is a wonderfull partner and I love her dearly. I also feel that she does. We do have some difficulties but usually are able to talk it through. Now, she has a loss of desire for me. Our sex life is almost inexistant.

She says she has no desire for anyone and does not even masterbate. She says I’m the only one she has affection for. I’m finding it very difficult cause I desire her and would like for her to feel the same about me. It’s very emotional and hard to deal with. We have talked many times about it. Some times, we talk when I’m feeling the frustration of being let down again, other times I’ve tried to approch her with the subject while we where both available for conversation. I want to live my sexual life, don’t want to loose her am fed up with masterbation.

She tells me to find a sex partner. I asked her if she’s willing to do something about. Sometimes she says nothing…she just don’t know what to say. Other times, she’ll tell me that she will never change and that she had warned me, saying also that she ahs lost all of her partner because of that. She says, why should I change, no one around me does. She has told me I should be more affectionate towards her but everytime that I am…she says it turns into sex.

Things is we don’t get close to often and yes I do get the urge but not always. I’m willing to make some changes but would like to know what to do. Should I seek for a love affair being very opened to my actual partner. I love her too much to leave her and really do see myself growing old with her. We are both in our 40’s

Thanks for the help

Lesbian partner isn’t interested in sex

Answered by on -


Before the two of you settle on the idea that there’s something psychologically wrong with her or that the two of you are a mismatch, I hope your partner will consider having a thorough medical workup. There are many physical problems that can cause a lack of libido.

I’d hate to think that she has missed out on the warmth, relaxation, and intimacy that comes with a close sexual relationship with a loving partner just because she has an endocrine imbalance or some other undiagnosed and untreated problem. I strongly urge the two of you to ask your friends for the names of doctors known to be sympathetic to lesbian concerns. You need a doctor who will take the time to figure this out.

If it’s not a physical issue, then you may just have very different sex drives. And that’s alright — most couples can navigate these differences with understanding, listening, empathy, and compromise. If that doesn’t work, it may be that sex is a core compatibility issue for you, and less so for your partner. Things to think about — and talk about with your partner to help figure it out. A couples counselor may be helpful in a situation like this too.

Don’t give up, but do pay attention to these issues and not bury them in the sand. They need to be adequately addressed in order for the relationship to continue to thrive and grow. Good luck.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

Lesbian partner isn’t interested in sex

This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on November 11, 2006.

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2019). Lesbian partner isn’t interested in sex. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 5, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 3 May 2019 (Originally: 11 Nov 2017)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 3 May 2019
Published on Psych All rights reserved.