It seems that you have turned having a baby into a competition. If we questioned your sister-in-law, in all likelihood, she would not support the idea that she is in a competition to have the first child. You’re also assuming that the second baby will not be as welcomed into the family or as loved as the first. Cognitively, this is a mistake in logic. What are you basing this assumption on? Why would parents or grandparents love the first child more than the second? Millions of parents and grandparents would tell you that they love all of their children and grandchildren equally, regardless of the order that they were born in.
Following your logic, baby number two in your family is going to be the “lesser” loved of the two children. What if it were your in-laws who were to have the second baby? Shouldn’t you be upset about the fact that a child, in this case child number two, would be less loved? Isn’t this unfair to the second child? Wouldn’t you want all children to be loved and treated equally?
In all likelihood, if there are multiple children in the family, no matter their birth order, your family would love all children equally.
One interesting aspect of this situation is that your husband doesn’t feel the same way about his brother. You say he is “over trusting” but is he? Perhaps you are not trusting enough. He sees this situation differently than you but that does not mean he is wrong. In all likelihood, he realizes that his brother and the rest of the family would love all of the children equally, regardless of birth order.
If you continue to struggle with this issue then I would suggest that you consider cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy focuses on ideas about a particular situation and helps an individual to think in a logical manner. Very often people with mental health symptoms such as depression or anxiety or other related disorders are not thinking correctly. Cognitive therapy can help correct their thinking.
Being cognitively wrong can have a snowball effect. If you’re wrong about one thing and then you use that incorrect thinking to draw a conclusion it may lead to mistakes in judgment and behavior. The incorrect assumption you are making in your situation is that the firstborn grandchild gets the most love. This is leading you to a host of incorrect conclusions. These conclusions and the thoughts associated with them are causing you to feel jealousy, anxiety, anger and so forth, to the point of kicking things and crying yourself to sleep every night. You’re not in a healthy place psychologically and that’s why you may want to consider therapy. You can change your thinking and overcome this issue but you may need the assistance of a mental health professional. It could be very helpful to you.
I know that you are feeling very bad about this whole situation. I sincerely hope that soon you will feel better. Having a baby should be a thing of pure joy for you and should not be mixed with all of the negative feelings that you are experiencing. Counseling should help to remove those negative feelings and allow you to experience the pure joy that you deserve.
If you’d like to find a therapist in your area please consult this directory. Thanks for your question.
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on November 3, 2009.