I don’t trust my mom. She does a lot of sketchy things. A lot of the things she does(or doesn’t) do tends to benefit her. She has a very hard time understanding me as well. I find us in arguments over the same thing and in those arguments we keep just continually repeating ourselves and interpreting each other wrong over and over again. Like we verbally say “so you’re saying…” I can’t tell if she just really can’t understand me or if she really doesn’t care what I have to say. She’s one of those parents that hover. They’re always asking “we’re are you going?” When simply walking out of the room or “don’t forget to…!”. So she loves me right? She would want to listen right? This is also the same mom that has told her daughter “I’m not going to quit smoking and drinking until I want to” after her daughter cried begging for her to stop atleast one. This is the same mother that came into her daughters room with a cigarette lit and when her daughter tried to put it out she said “You’re 18 now I can call the cops, don’t ever put your hands on me” as if her daughter assaulted her. It’s also hard to believe that she cares because she is not reliable at all. She doesn’t respect my time. For example with rides. Yes, she doesn’t have to give me a ride at all if she doesn’t want to but she needs to tell me that so I can plan another ride instead of having me be TWO hours late. She does it all the time and I want to give her another chance to prove me wrong and she’ll make me proud. It’s not just rides though. It’s just continual disappoint I get. Anyway there’s a lot more and I’m trying to explain it but there’s just no way that I can explain it all like this. I just really want to be able to have a good relationship with my mom. Or just know any information about this situation. I’m planning on moving out as soon as I can to maybe help our relationship but I want it to be ok before I leave. Please help. Thank you. (From the USA)

A: The time for you to have had good mothering from your mom has passed. At 18 the work for you is about getting out sooner rather than later. It sounds like your mother’s self absorption is rather entrenched, so stop trying to do things that will prove you wrong — and make you proud of her. Focus your energy on making a path for your own development and stop wasting it on someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Sometime the only way a good relationship has a chance to evolve is by having distance first.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral