When I was 4 years old I was diagnosed with ODD and a high functioning autism also known as Aspergers. And later, I was 5-6 I was diagnosed with ADHD. Growing up I didn’t have very many friends, and the ones I did have emotionally abused me in the relationship from 3rd grade all the way up to 6th grade. My father was very emotionally neglectful and never gave me his approval. When I was 9 years old I had my first dream of killing someone, but I don’t remember the dream as a negative, I remember being more fascinated. Theses dream accrued now and again through the passing years. I have been also diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety. I only really have one or two friends at a time because I have a very hard time trusting new people and are very suspicious of them at the beginning of a relationship. And somebody can only screw me over If I let them, by either trusting them or letting down my guard. Pity the fool who decides to earn my trust and screw me, they will know what it feels like to hurt. If I don’t destroy them in that instant, I will keep my enemy close until I have everything I need to bring him all the way down to nothing. And ever since I was young I have been able to make anybody feel any emotion I want them to feel. I can go from happy to cry just by choice if I choose to do so. I feel disconnected with my emotions and they are more something I use to fit in. Around 6th grade, I learned that retaining appearance was very important to my future with relationships. So I started paying attention to other people’s emotions and listening to others to understand and see what pain, regret, shame, confidence, etc look like. Since that point, I have had no problem obtaining a relationship if I want one.I Want to Know if I Have ASD or a Form of High Functioning Autism
I don’t know you and have not interviewed you and thus can’t determine your diagnosis over the internet. It’s always best to be evaluated by an experienced therapist, in person.
Generally speaking, it would appear that there are two problem areas: relationships and emotions. You are suspicious of people and feel a greater than average need to protect yourself against them, going so far as to plot to harm the people who you perceive as having crossed you. It’s not normal to be so suspicious of others and to be plotting your revenge. Your distrust will make it difficult to develop close relationships.
People with ASD often struggle with both relationships and emotions but more information is necessary to determine if your symptoms are indicative of this disorder or not. In either case, these issues will likely hinder your ability to develop close, meaningful relationships. You stated that you have ‘no problem obtaining a relationship’ but how good are those relationships? Your approach to people may have been the result of events that occurred in your childhood or due to your diagnosed depression or anxiety. The origin of these problems should be explored more thoroughly in counseling.
It’s normal and healthy to want to connect with others. When problems prevent you from making these connections, you should try to correct whatever might be wrong. You’ve had contact with therapists in the past and it would benefit you to consult them again. They would be in the best position to answer your question and to assist you in developing more appropriate relationship skills. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle