I am not certain of your exact question and in that case can only provide a general answer. You are playing a very dangerous and potentially deadly game. You likened it to Russian roulette and that comparison seems appropriate. Cutting too deep could end your life. You know that and you are doing it anyway. Maybe that’s the point. This behavior would suggest that you don’t value your life.
You may not be “completely unhappy or depressed” but happy and “non-depressed” people don’t purposefully endanger their lives. Clearly you are not happy, satisfied or contented. Something must be causing you to feel this way.
Your self-harm is akin to an addiction. You are chasing a rush of energy, a euphoric high. Addictions are the ultimate form of escapism. People get high in order to not think about the reality of their lives. It’s easier to be high than to face life and all of its difficult problems. The question that arises is that which you are escaping from.
You should strongly consider counseling. It gets at the heart of why you feel the way you do and seeks to correct whatever may be wrong. People often cut themselves when they don’t know how else to handle their emotional pain. There are many healthy ways to deal with strong emotions and stress, that you can learn in counseling. It will help you to feel better.
Contact your primary care physician and ask for a referral to a local therapist or call the 800 number on the back of your insurance card. A therapist will know how to help you. Contact 911 if you cannot keep yourself safe. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle