From the Netherlands: About four months ago, my fiancé started meeting someone else with whom she had “a connection”. She was suffering from depression and this other person “could perfectly understand what she was going through”. This made me jealous of that person because I thought I was going to lose my fiancé.
I started losing weight to look more fit (like the other girl) and behaving like her to look more appealing. My only thoughts since then have been to make my fiancé feel as lonely, abandoned and worthless as I felt back then.
I’ve tried to forgive and forget because I know it was tough times for her and it was no more than a friendship, but I am still not over it and extremely mad at her for trusting that other person more than me.
The feeling of making people feel bad about themselves when I feel bad is not something from now, it’s been happening to me since I was a little kid, and I feel good when I do it, but then, the next second after that, I feel like a piece of garbage. I also feel very possessive over people and it scares me that I’m going to lose the few people I have because of my “weirdness”. When I feel this, I get really angry and I feel the need of hurting myself as a way of coping, otherwise it’s like my head could literally explode from the extremely loud thoughts of “you’re not enough”.
I think I should also point out that I am experiencing a lot of dissociation lately, almost every day and for the entire day sometimes (I’ve always experienced dissociation in a regular basis, like every week or every two weeks, but I don’t know if it’s become more regular now or I am just more aware of it).
People usually say I’m a very selfish person and that I have the level of empathy of a fish. I am a very solitary person and it’s extremely difficult for me to make friends.
Of course, this is much more complicated that I can express in under 400 words and I feel so many more things that make myself question who I really am, but I would appreciate any kind of advice or help (FYI, for two weeks now I’m seeing a therapist but I haven’t told him about this yet).