The fact that you worry about going to prison might prevent you from harming strangers, but it does not seem to prevent you from wreaking havoc in the lives of those closest to you. There are occasions when you purposely harm them and subsequently feel no remorse. These are worrisome behaviors and responses.
I can’t answer the question of what is “wrong” with you, on the basis of a short letter, but generally speaking you seem geared towards harming rather than helping people. How you treat people is a choice. You can choose to do good or you can choose to do harm. For reasons that are not well understood, some people choose the latter.
In a broader, more philosophical context, our choices are considered good or evil. To help someone or to relieve their suffering is considered good. To do the opposite, to intentionally behave in ways that harm people, is considered evil. As the famous Stanford psychologist, Dr. Philip Zimbardo explains, “Evil is knowing better but willingly doing worse.”
The first step in changing negative behavior is acknowledgement. By acknowledging these issues and by asking your question, you are behaving responsibly and in my view, trying to change your behavior. It would suggest a desire to change. That is hopeful and encouraging.
Your next step should be asking your parents to assist you in finding a local therapist. Counseling will help to correct your thinking and behavior. You will learn how to move away from behavior and tendencies that could lead you into trouble. If you were to carry out your fantasies, you could be facing a lifetime in prison or, depending on where you live, the death penalty. You must do everything in your power to correct this problem. Counseling is the ideal solution. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle