I am a mother of three children under six. I am not happy with the way I behave or treat my children. I get angry very quickly with them, I shout all the time and I verbally abuse them by saying horrible things to them and by going overboard with them.
For example I could be in the middle of a brain storm, just thinking about things, or working something out in my head, and one of the children could be shouting or fighting each other,. I would then shout at them “f-ing shut up” “Shut up or I will smack you”. I then et even more angry and shout at them again because I am angry with myself for the way I shouted at them.!
Sometimes, if they continue i will pull them to me by the scruff of their clothes, or sometimes I will clench a fist at them to show them i am angry, and will say “shut up” as a warning to them. I some times smack them, but I do not physically abuse them as I rarely smack them, but when I do it is hard, usually on the bottom.
I hate myself so much for behaving in this way to my children whom I do love so very dearly. I know my behaviour is wrong, and I fear they will hate me as I hate my mother. I know how I should behave with them, but I cant seem to control the way I react to their bad behaviour.
I know I am a bad mother because I am copying the way my mother behaved towards me, but also because I am largely on my own,I do not have a babysitter, and have not had a break from my children since they were born, except the odd shopping trip. Although married, my hsband does not take my children out to give me a break from them, which I think every mother needs.
Also I do not discipline my children appropriately, I allow my children to express themselves, so when they are naughty, they are so for quiet some time before i explode.
I blame my mother for my bad mothering, my mother is incapable of love and is a very controlling and greedy woman. She was very violent towards me as a child, and would belittle me and embarrass me in front of her friends or mine.
My mother can be very nasty. When I was a child my mother would always hit me and herself in the face. She would also say very nasty things to me. She always treated me as though I was a little child, and still does. My mother made me feel as though I cannot live independently, so I never left home until I was 26 years old.
My mother still is very abusive and nasty to me. for example when i was arranging for my daughter to be baptised, my mother did not approve of my choice of godparent so she got very abusive and came within my personal space whilst I had my baby in my arms and threatened me.
She looked after my children whilst I worked, to which I paid her. My mother rarely has my children unless I pay her, she rarely visits them on school holidays or weekends.
I want to break the cycle but I don’t know how to, I cant go to my Doctor for counselling because I am afraid of what they will write in my notes, or if they will try to interferr with my children.
My children aren’t at risk, I would never hurt them, I wouldn’t punch or pull their hair like my mum did me.
I wake up most mornings and I tell myself “stay calm today, relax, don’t shout today”. But I always do end up shouting, and I hate myself for it, i love my children, and I hate what i am doing to them.
How can i stop the cycle of abuse, I know what I should be doing, but I can’t control my behaviour or my reaction. Something just seems to snap in me quickly, and before I know it I am shouting and verbally abusing my children. I say things like, your a spoilt brat, or “you selfish cow” How can a mother full of love say things like that to her children?, thankfully I rarely say horrible things to them.
Please can you help and give me some advice.