The relationship between me and my mom is quiet difficult to describe and understand. At one point we often laugh and talk together, when I want a hug she’s the first person I’m going to, but at the same time she’s the only person that I actually fell deep hatred towards. For already 4 years now she’s been slowly damaging my mental health and I can’t do anything about it.
When I was 13 I started being completely unmotivated for an unknown reason which led to me laying in my bed for 90% of my free time, not studying etc. The only thing she said was: ‘You’re acting like you’re depressed. I have to warn you – no child of mine will be mentally ill, so I hope you’ll get out of that immediately’. I never spoke to her about my real feelings, only some minor things, like stuff that happened during day, a book or a movie. She doesn’t know how I feel, at all, but I’m sure she can somewhat sense that I’m not doing okay.
In middle school when all the girls started wearing makeup, shopping and doing all the stereotypical things I was still kinda stuck mentally as a 10 years old – video games, not caring about my appearance, spending my time at the playground etc. That made her angry, too – not to add that I cut my hair in a ‘boyish manner’ and rarely wear skirts/dresses (I just find them uncomfortable). My grades are still low and I rarely do house chores nor do I have any friends in school. She started calling me a weirdo, insulting me, telling me I’m not normal and that I’m ruining her life because she wanted a beautiful and smart daughter – just like my sister. She always says that she treats both of us equally but even a blind person can see who’s the ‘disappointment in the family’.
I became completely emotionally cold on the outside and use only fake and nervous laughs sometimes. Meanwhile, inside I feel like I’m slowly dying (how cliché) and I can’t even get any help. School just ended, but they’d still need to call my parents if I went to the counselor. By my own observations I think I might have depression and social anxiety (at least) and lately I’ve been experiencing dissociation a lot. (From Poland)