I’ve needed to do this for a long time and have tried understanding the issue myself, but felt it was the right time to ask this.
Throughout the start of my early teenagers years till now I’ve had serious issues one of the main ones being paranoia, i’m constantly suspicious of others and have constant feelings that i’m being watched or that people want to expose or kill me. these feelings of paranoia usually occur when i’m alone or around people i don’t have a connection to, although seem’s ridiculous i often carry a knife on me in fear of being attacked, this paranoia has made making strong relationships with people such as friends hard as i have a constant fear that they are constantly trying to hurt me or don’t like me at all, when people talk vaguely or metaphorically rather than direct i feel that it’s a jab at me.
The second issue i have is a somewhat duality in person, with friends and people i know (apart from family) i form the personality of an intimidating and psychopathic individual; even to the extent of enjoying emotionally hurting people or thinking of hurting them physically.In this state i indulge in feeling of being a hardcore and remorseless individual who enjoys making other people scared. In the second state when i’m around family or people i don’t know i tend to be in the background and not assertive t all, instead i’m a sensitive and bitter individual who doesn’t take criticism and is emotionally unstable to the point of depression. Due to being more sensitive and less tough i often feel weak and emasculated which makes me despise who i am and causes me to think about the other face that i put on.
I know this may be a lot, but i just felt that it was the best time to consult someone about it rather than solving it myself.
Thanks (From the UK)