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Boyfriend Keeps Expecting Me to Change

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Hello, My boyfriend lives with me and we are having too many issues this early on. From Day 1 he has told me I need to change. He has never accepted me for who I am. I do have trust issues and can be insecure, but he refuses to see or work on his issues. He has told me that I refuse to communicate positively, and that maybe I am just happy with who I am and then says if that is the case we will just go our separate ways. He will have outbursts and then 2 hours later text me a novel claiming he loves me but that he deserves to be happy too. He calls me selfish, yet the only thing I hear is about him. HIS stress, HIS happiness, how HE had it so bad growing up and refuses to deal with people who won’t change, etc.

I have decided the best thing is to end things. I need someone who will love me for me, but he has broken me so it’s hard for me to move on. I know in the next couple days he will try to smooth things over and once again make me take the blame for everything bad that has gone wrong. (From the USA)

Boyfriend Keeps Expecting Me to Change

Answered by on -


He has not broken you. You sound strong, resilient and deeply self-reflective. Ending a less-than-satisfying relationship is energy pruning. If he can’t honor who you are then it is time to move on.

When people transform they typically have been tolerating too much and learn to set a limit on what they can accommodate with their partner. It sounds like you have reached your limit. You must believe you deserve better than him for that better possibility to happen.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Boyfriend Keeps Expecting Me to Change

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Boyfriend Keeps Expecting Me to Change. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 30, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 31 Jul 2017)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.