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My Boyfriend Has Homicidal Ideation and I Don’t Know What to Do

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Today, I had to call the authorities on my boyfriend. He has been sharing these thoughts of his. The other day he messaged me saying his head was telling him to skin his (10-year-old) sister and his brother and taste their blood. I was at loss for words but I had been trying to get him to tell me what was wrong. A part of me kind of wishes I hadn’t asked. I want him to get some help. He has been cutting and punching things messing up his hands. I have always been suicidal so I can’t relate to him. I just want to try to understand. I’m so lost and confused imp worried I might say the wrong thing. I told my best friend and he told my dad. My dad said if he doesn’t get help then we can’t be together. Mind you I turn 18 in 2 months so what he says doesn’t matter. I’m just so scared. He has been controlling over me and even violent a couple of times. But when I confronted him about it he didn’t know he was doing anything wrong. He has PTSD from watching his twin brother die in front of him in a car wreck. He usually sat in the same seat but the day of the accident he switched seats with his brother. he blames himself because his dad blamed him before he passed away of cancer in prison for drug distribution. I’m kind of scared of him sometimes. I cut my hand on accident once cooking and his eyes when he seen the blood, he was like a completely different person. like he had no soul for a minute until he calmed down. he feels like killing people when they annoy him. and I’m always cautious around him now. But I’m in love with him. and I just want him to get help. I called his school. instead of calling the cops which is what the crisis team wanted me to do. and I talked to him. he has agreed to go to the hospital to get help. but I didn’t tell him I told the school and the school told his mom. I’m scared on how he will react to that. I just need some advice. I have no idea what to do. And now I’m getting some bad thoughts too. I have learned to control them. But I use drugs to help me. and he’s okay with it. he’s okay with me cutting and using drugs. I know that’s messed up. I just don’t know.

My Boyfriend Has Homicidal Ideation and I Don’t Know What to Do

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This is an overwhelming situation for any professional to deal with, much less a girlfriend. This is not someone you can help, but someone you need to protect yourself from. For many years, I’ve dealt with men like your boyfriend and their girlfriend. It is a similar story each time. You think you are going to be the one to help him, and then you end up being yet another victim.

You need support for the process of untangling. You are doing more work than he is on changing him. It isn’t something you will be able to do. Let others manage him, while you manage your life and protect yourself. I would encourage you to get some counseling to help you with this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My Boyfriend Has Homicidal Ideation and I Don’t Know What to Do

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). My Boyfriend Has Homicidal Ideation and I Don’t Know What to Do. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 1, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 26 Jul 2017)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.