Thank you for your honesty and courage in telling us your history. Everything you say makes perfect sense. The way you were abandoned by your parents and given to others to raise is know to cause many of the emotional and behavioral reactions you are having. Thinking that if you were better, being self reliant, not making relationships easily, trying to be perfect, shallowness in the relationships you have, and going cold on them so they can’t leave you first. ALL of these reactions is part of a larger personality profile that is often associated with the early abandonment of one’s parents.
There are two good books on the subject. One with the title Primal Wounds by Nancy Newton Verrier is the more popular press style, and another one The Primal Wound by John Firman has the research. I think you will find them relevant and interesting.
Finally, since you are in college, I would recommend you talk to the therapist’s at the university counseling center and begin the therapeutic process of getting more of what you want and less of what you don’t. The good news here is that we know a lot about these patterns and reactions and how to provide help for dealing with them. The counselors at the university will know what to do to help you create these changes in your life.