Betrayal/Morality Issue from Friend
Just discovered 62 yo male friend/housemate of last 5 years seeing 18-25 yo hookers, I am so repulsed as they r so young.
I was shocked but not overly surprised as knew he had been hiding something for months. I now view him as the pervert sleaze & proven pathological liar that he is (as wont admit seeing anyone at all). Both single so no excuse to lie, could just admit seeing “someone”. Obviously has NO respect for me at all.
He continues to lie, even after I gave him present on his birthday!!! (I tested him by saying I hired him a hooker & he (lied again) saying he cant have sex w someone he doesn’t know).
Found out re hookers by checking his phone as knew he was lying to my face for months. Phone nos matched Adult ads for 18-22 yo girls. Integrity is vital so feel justified in looking at his phone, he has the morality issue I feel.
The man/friend I thought I knew is not who I thought he was, our friendship is over, I am sad disappointed and hurt by the deception and so disgusted in him for having no issue with having sex with females young enf to be his granddaughter & daughter!!
I am unable to “just let his business be his business/not care” as ethics and morality are the issue.
I can’t move out for at least a few months so how do I deal w it in the meantime? We agree friendship is over. Things are tense & we hardly talk. I told him I know he is seeing hookers & that he is a liar and disgusting.
I have nowhere else to go as I have pets and no job (so cant get a rental). Will have to live on the road in a van in a few months. He is also saying he may break the lease in a few months due to “a job offer elsewhere”…probably another lie, probably has another younger woman he is considering having move in. Regardless I will have to go. The trust is broken and now I know who and what he is there is no going back to the way things were.
A. You fully have the right to choose your friends and roommates. Are you right to keep him as a friend? Yes, if you choose to. Are you right to disown him as a friend? Yes, if you choose to. You are wrong, however, if you feel that you have the right to determine what is ethical or moral for anyone other than yourself. You are quick to call him names and demean him and to denounce him as a friend, yet it appears that he is allowing you and your pets to live with him in his home. Since you are not working, it would appear that you are living there free of charge.
Many people who will read your question will believe that it is you who are immoral and unethical for invading his privacy. This man is only your friend, yet you believe you have the right to read his messages and search his cell phone. You started this invasion of his privacy on a suspicion. How would you feel if he had a suspicion about your behavior or character and had searched your cell phone or computer or purse?
Does someone have the right to privacy or not? Do you keep things from him? Do you have memories, thoughts, experiences that you do not share with him? If so, why not? Could it be that you feel he would not be able to correctly judge you? Or could it simply be that you have a right to your privacy?
You have invaded his privacy. He trusted you and gave you access to his home and his possessions. Had he not done that, you’d likely still be friends. You looked and did not like what you found. You are free to disown him as a friend and are free to move out.
The real question is, is he your friend and was he your friend? You don’t have a job and cannot afford to pay rent. You have pets. He took you in and gave you and your pets a place to live. Most people would see this as the act of a true friend. You call him “a pathological liar.” How do you define that? Do you lie? Have you lied to him or to anyone? You must accept the fact that most people lie, but they do not do so for malicious purposes. They do so to protect themselves, not to hurt others. Studies show that most people lie a minimum of two times per day. Granted these are small lies to protect their privacy or to protect the feelings of others. How many times have you told somebody that you felt fine when in reality you did not? How many times did you tell someone that you thought they looked nice, when in reality you thought exactly the opposite?
People lie basically because they need to. Someone who told the truth all the time would be perceived as being unduly harsh, insensitive and of over disclosure. This is a complicated issue and you might find it very helpful to discuss it in total, with a knowledgeable therapist. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Randle, K. (2017). Betrayal/Morality Issue from Friend. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 19, 2017, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/07/12/betrayalmorality-issue-from-friend/