I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But I can give you some direction. First, it’s possible that you have unresolved trauma. You are distancing yourself from most feelings, the exception being extreme anger and homicidal thinking. You have a history of depression and self-harm. These thoughts and behaviors are typical of a kid who has a history of abuse.
You wrote that you tried to keep the abuse to yourself for years. When you shared the information, your mother started drinking more heavily, which certainly didn’t help you. You may have even felt guilty for bringing it up. You needed help, not another problem. If you didn’t get into therapy then, you owe it to yourself to find a therapist now who can help you work through the abuse so you can regain your trust and connection with more people.
You also mentioned that you had a concussion. Although most people recover within months, some people do develop post-concussion syndrome (PCS) with symptoms that last longer. Post-concussion syndrome can include physical, cognitive, and emotional problems. If you haven’t had a visit with a neurologist, I think it would be wise.
Changing schools so often hasn’t helped your stability either. You haven’t had the chance to develop the kind of long-term friends who can be there for each other when things are rough. You didn’t say why you’ve moved schools so often. I hope you are finally settled for awhile. The good news is that in only a couple of years, you may be able to leave for college and stay put for 4 years. I hope you are doing what you need to do to make that possible.
You haven’t had the adult support and direction you’ve needed. You are old enough now to seek it out for yourself. Talk to your guidance counselor about whether there are any free clinics for teens in your area. In the meantime, if you need to talk to someone, you can always call the Boys Town hotline. Don’t be put off by the name. Counselors there talk to girls too. Trained counselors are available 24/7 to talk by phone or chat online. It’s free and confidential. Here’s the website:
I wish you well.