Hello,I’ve known my boyfriend since I was 14. We’ve been together since and my mother, even though she approves she won’t let us meet. When I was 19 I left to study abroad and even when I come back for holidays we could not meet. I had to lie or sneak out etc. Last year a huge problem happened between her & my boyfriend and she asked me to end things. We tried but even after 7month now, we are still in touch. But we barely talk etc and he has been telling me he just cannot do this anymore. It is too much for him to handle before 1. we cannot meet, 2. my mom does not approve anymore so there is no future because I will never go against her. Then recently he distanced himself & I found out after a week he was talking to someone lese. I confronted him, he said he loves me and so on but he cannot be in that kind of relationship. He said him & the other person don’t want anything serious, they are just like companions, supporting each other through this hard time. I gave him an ultimatum, either lose me or her. He said he does not want to be in a miserable relationship, ideally, he would love to be with me & have a normal relationship but it’s not possible. But eventually he chose me over her & he said he will go & see my mother again to try to fix things. But you know, they say once a cheater, always a cheater. How will I trust him again? I know our relationship has been very unusual & he did not have to stay with me for so long, he could have just left but he stayed for 8 years and then did this now. In normal circumstances, I would never take back a cheater but in this particular circumstance, I feel like I owe him a second chance because it has been very hard. But my friend is saying i do not have any self-respect and so on. I am really confused. (From Canada)
You gave him an ultimatum and he chose you, stepped up to say he wants to deal with mom directly, and, given the limitations on your relationship he was seeking someone who could be more available.
I’d see his decision to be with you and him stepping up as a courageous thing. If that isn’t enough to trust him — I don’t know what is. You don’t have much to lose by going forward with him. I’d see how this plays out.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Boyfriend Cheated. Psych Central.
Retrieved on September 16, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/06/19/boyfriend-cheated-3/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.