I’m not certain of your exact question. In that case, I can only provide a general response. You might be experiencing passive suicidal ideation. Passive suicidal ideation occurs when someone is not actively trying to die but thinks that they would be better off dead. These people often feel hopeless and depressed. It’s close to being suicidal.
You stated that “death would be an eternal nothingness” but that’s your belief and not a statement of fact. No one knows what awaits us after we die. Death might not be “eternal nothingness.” It could be entirely different, something that we don’t understand. Without confirmable facts it is difficult to draw definitive conclusions.
The fact that suicide is crossing your mind, however passively, indicates suffering. Clinical intervention is necessary. I would encourage you to utilize the mental health services available in your country. If that is not an option, maybe there are others with whom you could speak, such as clergy or other trusted individuals. Treatment is the solution. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle