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I’m Struggling with BF’s Past & How He Speaks to Me

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Been with BF 2.5yrs. Long distance to start with (London & La). He told me stories about who he had sex with during his job in a band gig. Women in every country, quick hotel groupies, sexual encounters in the toilets, sleeping with college girls – the list is endless. He also said cruel things to me in the past, like said how when a girl hits 30 she loses her youthful glow. And has spoken to me when he’s at a gig about the girls all wearing short shorts – perverted comments. If I’m honest he really hurt me during the 1st year with stupid comments. He even told me on our anniversary how I’m the best-looking woman he’s been with… I was shocked and quizzed even better looking than his ex (all he did was go on about how hot she was to me) and then he told me well… no. Cuz she was in her 20’s & “really something”. He’s been with hundreds of woman & it bothers me. Never had a GF, never lived with anybody & hasn’t loved anybody honestly. He told me he’d argue on purpose with his ex to give him a ticket to go out & have sex with others. I’ve recently found out he’s had hundreds of sexual encounters off craigslist; cheap hookers. HE posted the listings at least once a week for many years. Feel like he was addicted to sex and drugs. So, I find it hard to believe he has changed & I’m the only girl. He is 47. He spends all his £ on me, buys me gifts, takes me out, looks after me, feeds me, listens to me when I’m down, calls me hours when we are apart. Checks in as he goes anywhere, sends me photos. And this month finally he paid for me to be flown home to meet his family & close friends. He hasn’t taken a girl home in 16yrs. But, I still feel insecure. I read his phone & found only when we fall out & split up he flirts with other girls. He texts an ex “wanna screw?” & claims he’s joking & got mad when I said its inappropriate stating “you’re not my wife”. We are about to live 2gether as well. Am I being silly or is it ok for me to be anxious? (From the USA)

I’m Struggling with BF’s Past & How He Speaks to Me

Answered by on -

A.

 You are right to be concerned. I doubt there is a person reading this who would encourage you not to worry. His addictive behavior isn’t likely to come to a halt without some serious effort on his part — and for all the nice things he does and buys there isn’t much he is doing in terms of self-control for the future. Sex addiction, if that is what you think is going on, is one of the more difficult behaviors to get under control. “Wanna screw?” And then dismissing your concerns with: “You’re not my wife,” pretty much tells you how little your feelings matter.

I wouldn’t be so concerned about his past as I would be about going forward. If he promises to have sex or flirt with someone else whenever the two of you are having a fight — this isn’t such a great sword of Damocles for the relationship to live under. Any fight has the potential to lead to his betrayal. Are you willing to be in a relationship where, at the first sign of difficulty, he may find it easier to screw someone else than to work it through?

Most people wouldn’t want to keep dealing with it. You’ll have to decide if it is worth it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’m Struggling with BF’s Past & How He Speaks to Me

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). I’m Struggling with BF’s Past & How He Speaks to Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/06/12/im-struggling-with-bfs-past-how-he-speaks-to-me/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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