Not Understanding Myself
From a 16 year old in the U.S.: Ever since I was little I was depressed. I would have passive suicidal thoughts. My whole life I have. I don’t feel like people get it, it’s just there. It’s what I have. I sometimes think that I’m addicted to my depression and thoughts, it’s like a blanket or an escape. I also have severe anxiety. I feel like i can’t do much and have very low self esteem.
Most of my life i had a best friend who would control me and talk behind my back, among other things. I’m not there friend anymore because they would constantly leave me. I would always run back to them, until i stopped. Anyway after that i became blank, i have mood swings, and i dissociate too. I always have but didn’t notice. I feel so empty and have no idea who i am. I can’t trust anyone, i can’t talk to my therapist and i’m mad at them right now, for no reason. I hate myself, i get upset over the littlest things. I need to talk to my therapist but i’d scared they will leave or talk about me.
I also have an eating disorder that i hate to admit. I truthfully don’t care for myself and think of ways to hurt myself a lot. I have attempted suicide twice which i’m surprised isn’t more. I self harm a lot and i just wish people could understand i don’t do it for people to say anything, I just need it. Though at the same time i am just a very conflicting person, what i say now could easily be different in what i want.
I just feel so misunderstood and i don’t even get myself. I never did, but being alone has made it worse and even with my new friends it doesn’t work, i want someone to control me and tell me who to be because honestly i am no one, i feel hollow inside. Nothing i do feels the void, Nothing i say makes me a person. I am afraid everyone will leave. I wonder if my feelings and issues could be another disorder. In my four group programs and three hospitalizations I still have felt like i am all alone, sure i get others problems, but when i talk i feel like i just shock people that’s the faces they make, like i just overreact. I can’ talk to my therapist because it’s face to face.
A: I’m very sorry that your problems have become chronic. I suspect that your fear of being left is what is getting in the way of your ability to take advantage of therapy. Unfortunately, therapists can only do therapy if the client is open and honest about what is going on inside her head. Without that information, we’re left making guesses which may take us down an unproductive path.
If you can’t bring yourself to talk to your therapist, please give her the letter you sent to us at PsychCentral. It is an eloquent and detailed account of what is going on with you. That will give your therapist an opening so she will be able to work with you much more effectively.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been found to be very helpful for relieving symptoms like yours. Talk to your therapist about whether there is a DBT group in your area.
Writing to us tells me that you really do want help. Now, please, let your helpers be helpful. Take the next step and share your letter with your therapist and with your prescriber.
I wish you well.
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2017). Not Understanding Myself. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 24, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/06/05/not-understanding-myself/