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Home » Ask the Therapist » My boyfriend and his best friend are just way too close

My boyfriend and his best friend are just way too close

Asked by on with 1 answer:

I am in a long term relationship with my boyfriend. His best friend stays in the same apartment as us, and there are very little boundaries set between our relationship and their friendship. Every now and then, my boyfriend’s friend will use our bathroom, in our room, or come directly into our room to look for socks, etc. When he is off from work and when we are off from work, he is always around, hanging out with us.

My boyfriend and his best friend send each other text messages that say ‘I love you’, and often have xxx at the end. I think I have been missing something here, perhaps. Could they truly just be close to one another or is there more going on here than meets the eye?

My boyfriend is talking about marriage and kids, yet the decision as to where we move to and the where we live needs to involve the best friend. He does everything for his best friend – cooks, does his laundry, drops him off at work, pics him up, even buys his toiletries, and – he is actually supporting his best friend financially.

I feel like we could have moved so much further forward in our relationship if it wasn’t for him having to pay the way for him best friend and his best friend having zero independence.

What to do? Do i step out of this relationship as it is a little unnatural, or is there a way to make him see that this is unnatural, as he is totally oblivious to the fact, even though I’ve tried to point it out to him.

Thanks for your help on this.

My boyfriend and his best friend are just way too close

Answered by on -

A.

It looks to me like your boyfriend’s relationship with his best friend is at least on the same level of importance, and maybe even more so, than his relationship with you. I can think of at least a few possible explanations but you would need to talk with him (if he even would) to really understand what is truly going on.

Of course, it is possible that the two are lovers. It’s also possible that your boyfriend can’t manage the intensity of a single committed relationship with one person so he dilutes it by being in relationships with two different people. I suppose it’s also possible that the “best friend” has something on your boyfriend and has blackmailed him into this arrangement. Your boyfriend may feel obligated to this arrangement. That particular option seems unlikely given the way they end their messages with xxx and “I love yous”.

Whatever the reason – Your boyfriend is showing you by his behavior that he’s a two-fer. If you are willing to accept the terms, he is willing to talk about marriage and kids. If you put your foot down and try to set clearer boundaries, I think your boyfriend will find a way to say goodbye to you. (I could be wrong. You will only find out if you take the risk and ask.)

You probably have a hard decision to make: Do you agree to buy into a life of sharing your partner with someone else. And committing to a life with a person who doesn’t take into account your thoughts and feelings? Or do you make the tough decision to part company and go through the time and effort it takes to find someone who can be committed to you alone? In situations like this, it’s important to look ahead to the next 40 years and see which of thee options feels better. Only you can decide.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend and his best friend are just way too close

This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on June 5, 2007.

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2019). My boyfriend and his best friend are just way too close. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 26, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/06/05/my-boyfriend-and-his-best-friend-are-just-way-too-close/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 21 May 2019
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 21 May 2019
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