You do not like what your husband is doing, you have asked him to stop, he promises he will, and then he goes ahead and does it anyway. Even moving out of the bedroom hasn’t had an impact!
It does not matter what this is called. What matters is that he is repeatedly betraying your trust for some “thrill” of trying to get away with something. You’ve explained to him that you are aware that this is going on, and you are not consenting to it. This marriage can not last on these terms. If the two of you want to try to save your marriage, my best suggestion is that you get yourselves to a marriage counselor and see if you can figure this out. It is obvious you are not getting to a mutually satisfying agreement on your own.
According to Psychology Today’s website, “Intimate partner sexual violence is different from supportively encouraging one’s partner to be more adventurous sexually or playing mutually pleasing sex games. IPSV survivors describe incidents that do not resemble mutually agreed-upon playful sex; they describe nonconsensual acts characterized by fear, dread, and pain.”
“Let’s be clear: Sex without consent is no less wrong or harmful if perpetrated by a victim’s partner or spouse than by someone she does not know. In fact, some researchers have found that IPSV may result in longer-term effects than rape by a stranger (McOrmond-Plummer, Easteal & Levy-Peck, 2017).”
I wish you well.
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on June 2, 2007.