From the U.S.: I quit smoking Marijuana and cigarettes. I have no health insurance and used for injuries on top of fear of my anger. Today, the internet crashed in the middle of a workout and without warning, I was filled with rage. There were no thoughts to sort through, I just flipped and destroyed my phone and hurt my hand.
I’ve Broken every finger in my hand and have hurt myself and others worse. I have spent the last five years, jobless, recovering and trying to combat my anger, living at my parents house. An outburst around them like I had today will probably put my mother in the hospital and me either with her, on the street or in jail.
I have gained control of my thoughts and actions over inflicting pain on others but have absolutely no care for my own. It has been this way since I can remember and I can feel that I am at the edge and may potentially destroy my entire life. I have quit meth, Heroine and other drugs but still, I have no control over my own anger.
Please help me. I’ve changed my diet to a plant based one, ditched all of my toxic friends and now only have two, one a recovering addict and the other a daily pot smoker. I will not see both for a while but in that time, I need control.
I am only on my first day and the next 3 are said to be the worst. I cannot even fathom worse than what I felt today, had I not smoked half of a cigarette, I felt like I could have torn the house down, 2×4 by 2×4.
I cannot find information on transcending meditation but am going to begin the regular breathing meditations tonight and hope I eventually figure it out on my own. Is this because of my dad or is this my fault? I was beaten heavily and thrown at walls by my father from age 3 to 5 and spent most of my time trying to run away from people. I have spent hours in the library reading psychology books and still, I’m Spiraling.
This is the only place I have to turn to. Please help. I start school soon and this will severely damage my education as it has in the past. I need advice, please. Thank you in advance.
A: I am very, very glad you wrote. Give yourself lots of credit for all the hard work you are already doing to try to recover from habits that would only destroy your life.
Yes, childhood abuse can result in continued self-abuse. Sometimes abused children grow up believing that they deserved mistreatment. They then continue to do to themselves what was once done to them. Further, abused kids often conclude that there are only two ways to be in life: victim or victimizer. As adults, they ratchet back and forth between those two roles. Neither is comfortable. Neither is a happy way to live. But a child isn’t able to find the third option — a healthy life that doesn’t involve abuse of self or others.
You need practical help and ongoing support to shake your childhood conclusions and to find that third option. You already know that you cannot manage your inner rages on your own. Drugs were a “solution” but had too high a cost. You may have quit the addictions, but you were not able to quit the behaviors that went with them. The solution that will work is active participation in therapy.
You could readily do an internet search to find a referral site that could help you find a program or counselor.
By the way, the Transcendental Meditation site you were looking for is: https://www.tm.org/.
Yes, TM may be helpful. But I do think the situation you described requires some very personal, individual support through therapy as well.
I wish you well.