What you should do is make an appointment with a mental health professional for an evaluation. It may be that you are suffering from depression. It may be that you are so afraid of failing your auditions that you have subconsciously come up with a way to avoid them. Or it may be something else. I’m not able to sort this out on the basis of a letter but a counselor can.
By the way: Not all musicians are “starving artists”. Many make a good living by playing as solo performers, by teaching, or by being accepted into an orchestra or other musical ensemble. Still others work at a day job and follow their musical hearts during evenings and weekends. If you truly want to make music, get your education and learn about possibilities from your teachers.
I wish you well.