You state that these urges are becoming increasingly difficult to control. They are signs that you should seek professional help. Don’t ignore these important warning signs.
I receive many questions from people with similar problems. As I’ve mentioned in my response to each of those writers, I have studied the biographies of many people who kill. They have often described feeling increasingly out of control leading up to their crimes. I’m thoroughly convinced that had they sought professional help, many of those people would have never killed.
Right now, you’re spending a great deal of time indulging your fantasies and interacting with Harry and George. Avoid this. You need to find other ways to expend your energy that are nonviolent in nature. There are many activities that could occupy your time. Here are a few ideas: hiking, running, sail boating, learning to play the guitar, drawing, sewing, cooking, podcasting, making a documentary, writing, photography, meditation, and so forth. The idea is to redirect your energy towards positive thoughts and behaviors. Choose healthy activities over unhealthy activities.
Of course, hobbies are not a cure for homicidal ideation, but distraction can be powerful. Ideally, you should consult a mental health professional who can address this problem in a meaningful way. That would be the most responsible course of action.
Finally, contact the authorities if you feel that you are at risk of losing control. They can protect you from doing something that you would later regret. Depending on the nature of the violent act, you could be sent to prison for life or be executed for your crimes. Should you go to prison you will regret the actions or inactions that got you there. Prisons are very violent places. They are designed for punishment. Get help if you need it. It is not an exaggeration to say that mental health treatment has the potential to save lives. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle