I’m 25 and I feel confused over what I’m even thinking. I’m diagnosed with schizophrenia but I feel it is wrong. It makes me concerned that I’m diagnosed wrongly… but I’ve received lots of help and am doing better…though I have no idea if medications even help me.
I have no idea what’s wrong with me because I can’t figure out what’s going on in my own head…I say things and I don’t even know if what I say is ‘true’. They’re reducing my medicine, maybe because even the doctors think it’s a wrong diagnosis or they think I’m doing better. I have no idea and I don’t ask. I don’t talk a lot, even when I want to. I feel nothing on reduced medicine, but I can’t say for certain because I don’t know what I’m thinking about. I feel stress over this. I have no thoughts. Nothing exists in my mind, and yet, everything exists there. I think too much and I contradict myself a lot. Contradictions are my life.
I guess the doctors may think I’m sometimes delusional, because I often say I’m not real. This is the truth, though, but I don’t know how to explain it other than I don’t exist as a ‘person’. I can’t explain anything. It makes the doctor frustrated and mad at me because I always say I don’t know to most/all questions. Because nothing exists in my mind? I try and think up what I’m going to say, to explain my ‘thoughts’ and ‘feelings’, and nothing exists there, nothing. My mind is empty nearly all the time.
Sometimes I feel I make up the things I say, just to say something, so people believe I have ‘real’ thoughts and ‘real’ feelings. I feel as if I’m a fake person, and everything I say is false, but how can it be false if it’s everything about myself? I say yes and no to everything. I don’t even know if I have a real mind. I don’t think I do. I think of this a lot, but have no idea if I actually believe in it. I think a lot of things and I ‘think’ I believe in them, but again, I have no idea because I have no stable sense of self. What is this and what should I do?I Don’t Know What I’m Thinking?
I Don’t Know What I’m Thinking?
You said that your treatment providers are in the process of adjusting your medication. You might feel better after the proper medication adjustment.
You mentioned having schizophrenia but question whether that diagnosis is correct. Not feeling real or the idea that you do not exist as a “person,” might be indicative of depersonalization. Depersonalization is a generic term for people who feel they are not real or that they don’t exist. Depersonalization is not a symptom of schizophrenia.
Depersonalization may be indicative of a dissociative disorder. Dissociative disorders are common among people with trauma histories. People with dissociative disorders experience disruptions in memory, consciousness and perception. People with schizophrenia might experience similar problems. Though dissociative and psychotic disorders are distinctly different, there are overlaps in symptom presentation. Those, and other issues, can make diagnosing complex mental health disorders, difficult. Diagnosis is rarely a straightforward process.
I would recommend reporting these symptoms to your prescribing physician. It’s better to tell the truth than to misguide them. You might even show them the letter you wrote to us at Psych Central. Finally, consider documenting how you feel in a journal. Having that information will provide an important level of insight for your treatment providers. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle