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Extreme Jealousy Combined With Alcoholism & Violence

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My much younger boyfriend suffers from extreme, delusional jealousy when he drinks. He has hurt me, has damaged thousands of dollars of property, and threatens to harm me and my family when he has these delusional episodes.

I don’t know what to do. I have never and will never cheat on him. He comes up with the craziest scenarios and believes them in his head no matter how impossible or unlikely they are or how much I try to reassure him that I love him and that I have never and will never cheat. For example, he will come back from just going to the bathroom and accuse me of having someone in the bedroom while he was gone for 5 minutes! It sometimes continues until he passes out. Other times he will manage to get a grip on himself and calm down. The next day he is his usual sweet, sane, loving self, which makes it hard for me to leave him.

He seems to get worse when we are apart and he doesn’t know what I’m doing. We have had to be apart for a couple days now and before I thought I was just dealing with an alcoholic but now I think he is flat out crazy because it has lasted two nights and a full day. He called me about 50 times in one night and kept screaming and screaming at me, “I can’t believe you are fucking some other guy while I’m on the phone with you!” I could also hear him over the phone telling everyone around him that his girlfriend is cheating on him while he is on the phone with her. I kept reassuring him I haven’t cheated. He would interrogate me aggressively then say he believed me but then forget and go right back to screaming at me over the phone or via text about the imaginary cheating. How can I help him and protect myself and my family?

PS – We started to get somewhere via text last night when he announced that he is a boilermaker and made me look it up until I figured it out. It’s a man who has a fetish for women at least 10 years older – which I am. I said I figured as much and so what? I’m wondering if this plays into his problem at all.

Extreme Jealousy Combined With Alcoholism & Violence

Answered by on -

A.

You can’t help him. He needs more help than you can provide. He has hurt you. He’s dangerous. If you do decide to leave him, which would be in your best interest, you should go to a domestic violence shelter. Domestic violence shelters are purposefully hidden in the community so that perpetrators can’t find their victims. Hiding out in the usual places is a bad idea. Domestic violence shelters can keep you safe. The staff can advise you about ending this relationship safely.

You should also consider going to the police and filing an order of protection. Orders of protection make it easier for the police to arrest a perpetrator threatening violence. Check the laws in your state to learn more about orders of protection.

If you think that my response is alarmist, then you would be wrong. This is a dangerous situation. He has hurt you before and he is clearly unstable. There is nothing you can do to help him nor should you try. Your main priority should be keeping yourself and your family safe. Domestic violence professionals can help you achieve that goal. Use their expertise and do so immediately. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Extreme Jealousy Combined With Alcoholism & Violence

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2018). Extreme Jealousy Combined With Alcoholism & Violence. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 19, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/04/25/extreme-jealousy-combined-with-alcoholism-violence/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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