I’ve decided to date my coworker despite my rules because I was really into him from the first day I started working at our company. At the end of our first date we kissed and for the second date he invited me to his flat. (which I thought it’s too early — correct me if I’m wrong please) after making out a bit he encouraged me to have sex but I said I am a virgin. so, he accepted—yet, he was playing around in bed with me. I wasn’t that much comfortable with him, naked in bed. also, he wasn’t a cuddling type. and wanted to make love wildly and rough which made me nervous cause it was my first time getting naked with a boy in bed. I didn’t say anything though but I knew I am not satisfied. Another thing is that he was in a committed relationship for 5 years and I’m worried of it’s consequences cause after all he has obviously more experience in sex life or better say emotional life than me, which this affects our relationship. Another thing is that I think he seems like a bit abusive but I can’t prove this because when I said I’m virgin he totally agreed not having sex. yet, I feel like I have intimacy problems with him cause he can’t satisfy me completely emotionally and I really don’t know how to bring up this important issue—while I’m too shy still with him and can’t open up easily about emotional stuff between us. another thing which is blowing my mind is that, does he really like me—or its just for getting laid, making out and … I do like him. he is funny, in great shape, so active… but when it came to emotions I didn’t get what I expected. I thought when I told him this is my first time he would defiantly do it more gently. not this way—that now I think with myself it’s better not meeting up with him in his flat. (From Iran)
Thank you for taking the time to ask these questions about your relationship. There are three things you have said that I’d like to feedback. First, you have said that he was not physically respectful of your body — that he was not more gentle. Secondly, you say he has not been emotionally fulfilling. Finally, you are wondering if he is only in the relationship for the sex.
These three elements all point to having chosen a man who does not sound like he has the readiness for intimacy. I think the real question for you is what type of a relationship do you really want — and is intimacy what you were looking for? The best way to determine this is to understand more about how you feel after meeting up with him in his flat. If you feel there is something there that can become more intimate, then the two of you must work on it together. If, afterwards, you don’t feel good about yourself, then it is time to move on.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Dating with a Coworker and Intimacy Problem. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2017/04/25/dating-with-a-coworker-and-intimacy-problem/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 25 Apr 2017) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.