In the past 4 years I’ve felt like I was slowly drowning. I had panick attacks and couldn’t study at all in my last year in high school. I tried to talk to people but they just told me to try it harder when I was having awful days, and I just stopped searching help. Even now in university I find really hard to concentrate on anything. I’m never happy about any of my achievements and I think nothing is important in my life. I don’t think I’M important enough to live. I tried not to eat for a whole week because I wanted to disappear, to match the outside with how I’m feeling inside. I’m empty, that’s all. I realize I loved so many things that now I don’t care about: writing, reading. I’m not interested in anything anymore, I give up before I start. I give up on everything before I start because it’s not worth it.
I also think about my gender every day, and every minute of every day in my life. I feel I don’t belong anywhere in the binary, but I don’t know what I am, and since I don’t know it, I feel so angry and sad at the same time and I want just to disappear. It’s just that my days are so mentally overwhelming, still at the same time I can’t feel anything at all. I want to shut the world around me and I want everything to end, and I consider suicide every day, but I think that’s too much effort and I doubt I’ll ever do it. If I could just slowly disappear and be gone, I would do it.
When I tried to speak to my doctor I blocked, and in general I’m unable to express my thoughts and feelings without feeling a tight grip in my chest, like someone is taking all the air out of my lungs. Writing is so much easier.
I don’t know what to do, I just want everything to stop and I don’t know how. (From Italy)